RARE friends
There's a lot of reasons that deciding to spend this year working for the RARE program was a good decision - work experience, a chance to live somewhere new, etc. But the benefit that's been sticking with me the most lately is the people in the program.
The more obvious side of that, I suppose, is the fact that it's really nice to have a group of friends out here - even if I only see them periodically, it's a comfort to know that they're out there, spread out across the state. A solid majority of the group went out after training every night this week to sit and have a few beers and enjoy one another's relaxed company.
The more complex side of things is how starting over like this in a new place with new people has dredged up a whole slew of personal insecurities, confusions, and frustrations that I hadn't had to think about in a while. In my personal life, I tend to prefer close relationships based on a lot of trust and sharing. I certainly have acquaintances, too, and less-close friends, but I am a thousand times more comfortable with close friends than with other friends, and I depend on these people for what I guess you could call social support - someone you can always talk to and fall back on. This is at least partly why I hold on especially tight to boyfriends and best friends - if you have a close, interdependent relationship with someone, you don't constantly question how they feel about you and you don't have to reinvent the wheel whenever you're in a group situation - you just stick with your buddy (not necessarily literally, just... mentally? emotionally?).
But with the RARE program, I haven't been able to really cement any close friendships. I really really really like several of the people in the program, and I'm definitely becoming good friends with a few folks - but the group-centric way in which we all gather is kind of the antithesis of how I go about making good friends. I want to make better friends with everyone, but you can't be talking thoughtfully with every member of the group at once, and groups don't facilitate that kind of thoughtful interaction much at all anyway, so it sorta short-circuits my social functioning after a while. I start to get insecure in those kinds of situations, which results in either 1) saying really stupid things or 2) saying nothing at all. Either way it's crappy - and is probably mostly in my head - but I've convinced myself that I totally dive-bombed most of my social interactions last week. By the end of my time in Eugene I was ready to get out - even though I really liked all of the people and had had a good time most nights.
This is really the first time I've been able to even attempt to articulate exactly what about group situations I dislike. Looking back, I can see myself being guilty of this kind of behavior in all kinds of situations over the past few years. Now that I can see it and get my head around it, I can start to work through it. Thoughts on this are welcome - this is just a first crack at putting my finger on something that's been bugging me for a long time.
(p.s. I'll post some photos from the week in Eugene later this evening)