The Flying Machine

Lately, or perhaps always:

Posted by Sarah at 12:07 PM | Permalink

Physical theories as women: this is so apt.

3. Quantum mechanics is the girl you meet at the poetry reading. Everyone thinks she's really interesting and people you don't know are obsessed about her. You go out. It turns out that she's pretty complicated and has some issues. Later, after you've broken up, you wonder if her aura of mystery is actually just confusion.

4. General relativity is your high-school girlfriend all grown up. Man, she is amazing. You sort of regret not keeping in touch. She hates quantum mechanics for obscure reasons.

(via kottke)

Posted by Sarah at 1:09 PM | Permalink

Oh man, leave it to Liz to unearth this amazing piece of work from the glory days of high school 2000-2001! There's really only 4 people in the world who will find this funny or get any of the jokes. But I am one of them.

Liz's description:

This is a script that I made (with penciled in additions after running it by Sarah) for a video Sarah and I were planning for Jeff and Andrew (Jeff and Andrew being our Chicago boys, for those who need a refresher). It was going to be filmed at our high school's morning announcements format, since Sarah and I were both "anchors" for the broadcast and could have snuck in our own tape for a mini-session if need be. We also made an episode of The Real World: Arcadia.

LIZ: I'm Liz
SARAH: And I'm Sarah.
LIZ: And we're reporting live from... (we hadn't determined the location).
SARAH: Teachers: please do not allow any students carrying canes with gold handles into your classrooms. The canes are believed to be possessed and may cause strange behaviors. These behaviors include the urge to sit alone in the dark or the urge to listen to the Oh Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack repeatedly.
LIZ: Scary huh? Watch out... because "Toby's a Killer!"

Devin brings in a paper
LIZ: This just in! All flights to California have been canceled for the next five years!
SARAH: In related news, all flights to Florida from the Chicago area are being sold for one, yes, ONE dollar a piece! Grab 'em while they're still hot!
LIZ: Students planning to attend the trip to Chicago during Christmas Break need to see Mr. Schudel to sign up for the "Persuading Your Parents" class.
SARAH: There is a mysterious man parked in the student parking lot every day after school. He's been seen wearing a leather jacket and driving an extremely LOUD black car. If you have any information about this man or who he might be stalking, go to the security officer ASAP!
LIZ: The principals would like to remind students that there is to be NO incense burning at our high school.
LIZ: By the way, Sarah, did you know these are Jeff's rings?
SARAH: No, really?
SARAH: A new study shows that eating beef with give you mad cow disease.

Devin brings in another paper
LIZ: This just in! Another study shows that eating salmon will give you iodine poisoning. Guess we'll just have to stick to chicken!
SARAH: I see.
LIZ: In other news, we have an update on our injured player from last week's football game. He came away with one... two... TWO broken ribs!!
SARAH: Today's lunch menu includes Bootlegger's pizza, Mountain Dew, enough pepper to shower in and a pack of Big Red chewing gum.
LIZ: The nurse's office will be closed today due to the fact that the sick bed's mattress has mysteriously shifted off the frame.
SARAH: Good times! Finally, would the real Great Dalmudi please stand up?
LIZ: Well, that's all for today. Coming up next is another episode of the Real World Arcadia!

Posted by Sarah at 9:03 AM | Permalink

Story of my life.

(via Lizita)

Posted by Sarah at 8:54 AM | Permalink

Yeah, I got rick-roll'd..

But it's ok. Those 80's dance moves by the "twerpy, earnest, high-waistbanded" Rick Astley? AMAZING.

Posted by Sarah at 8:39 AM | Permalink

As spotted in one of the various publications Dartmouth mails to me: a veritable who's who of me and the people who I live with. Brilliant.

(It's by the fantastic Roz Chast)

Posted by Sarah at 3:13 PM | Permalink

"By Satan's whiskers..."

Too big to post the comic here, but worth your click.

Posted by Sarah at 10:50 AM | Permalink

So true. So, so true. And so funny. Advice for clients who want to drive their graphic designer mad. I have experienced most of these. Sometimes all on the same project.

My favorite 2:

Let's say you want a newsletter designed. Graphic designers will always try to leave white space everywhere. Large margins, the leading and kerning of text, etc. They will tell you that they do this because it's easier to read, and leads to a more clean, professional look. But do not believe those lies. The reason they do this is to make the document bigger, with more pages, so that it costs you more at the print shop. Why do they do it? Because graphic designers hate you. They also eat babies. Uncooked, raw baby meat.

So make sure you ask them to put smaller margins and really, really small text. Many different fonts are also suggested (bonus if you ask for Comic Sans, Arial or Sand). Ask for clipart.

and

Never accept the first logo. Never accept the 9th, make him do many changes, colors, fonts & clip art. Ask him to add a picture in the logo. Bevels. Gradients. Comic Sans. And when he's at his 10th attempt, tell him that you like the 2nd one the most.

(via Quipsologies)

Posted by Sarah at 11:25 AM | Permalink

This is totally a seagull after my own heart.

A seagull has turned shoplifter by wandering into a shop and helping itself to crisps. The bird walks into the RS McColl newsagents in Aberdeen when the door is open and makes off with cheese Doritos.

Amazing! Apparently he's become a regular. I don't blame him.. but I question his choice of chip. Doritos? Eh. Go for the Cheetos, man. The picture is priceless -

Posted by Sarah at 3:24 PM | Permalink

L: You're going to sign it with something sincere, right? From the both of us?

E: Uh, I was gonna cheap out. Here we go: "Best wishes, E"

L: Oh come on. I can do better than that! "Best, L"

Posted by Sarah at 1:32 PM | Permalink

An old man walks into the office where I work:

Clerk: Good morning!
Old man: Good morning.

Clerk: How are ya today?
Old man: Fair to middlin'.

---

That's one of my favorite old phrases. Making a mental note to use it more often. I'd never really known its origins, though, until now -

From World Wide Words:

Fair and middling were terms in the cotton business for specific grades — the sequence ran from the best quality (fine), through good, fair, middling and ordinary to the least good (inferior), with a number of intermediates, one being middling fair. The phrase fair to middling sometimes appeared as a reference to this grade, or to a range of intermediate qualities — it was common to quote indicative prices, for example, for “fair to middling grade”. The reference was so well known in the cotton trade that it seems to have eventually escaped into the wider language.

Posted by Sarah at 11:33 AM | Permalink

Apparently I sent this text message to one of my friends on Saturday night:

"druuunkkkkk yess oh mao redneck party yesss"

I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF THIS.

Posted by Sarah at 11:46 AM | Permalink

Conversations Between Famous People as Imagined by Someone With an American Public School Education Who Didn't Pay Too Much Attention in School But Who Did Just Enough to Pass the Exams

NIXON: Hello, I see you're smoking a cigar and wearing a large hat.

CHURCHILL: So I am, young chap. Could I interest you in a cigar?

NIXON: Sure, I think I smoke cigars ... maybe ... I don't know.

(CHURCHILL hands a cigar to NIXON, who bites off the tip and lights it.)

NIXON: We were probably alive at the same time.

CHURCHILL: Indeed, my boy, indeed. I had something to do with World War II and I think maybe you fought in it.

NIXON: I'm not sure if I did.

CHURCHILL: There's not that much more about me that everyone knows.

NIXON: I once held up my hands and formed two peace signs. I was either about to get onto a plane or get off of one.

CHURCHILL: I have seen the photo, because I think there were cameras when I was alive.

NIXON: And what about Watergate? I did that.

CHURCHILL: Margaret Thatcher is someone else from England. She was leader after me.

NIXON: People can buy masks of my face.

Posted by Sarah at 10:48 AM | Permalink

Overheard in the Planning Department offices today, from a customer:

"He sure was a talented athlete. Could jump like a giraffe!"

Posted by Sarah at 3:24 PM | Permalink

I meant to post this weeks ago when it first made the blog rounds. But then I forgot. Today I remembered. By now most of you have probably already seen it, but just in case, holy crap I love this map. Having, uh, traveled through most of those continents, I can vouch for its accuracy. Sea of Memes! Isle of Slash! Google's Volcano Fortress!

(via kottke)

Posted by Sarah at 1:03 PM | Permalink

Late afternoon work break, chatting idly with some co-workers, the conversation takes on a new tone:

A: Yeah, I broke my back when I was 9.
S: Ooh, that sucks.
A: Uh-huh. Then I broke my neck when I was 25.
S: Boy, between you and J y'all sure are a healthy office! Both diabetic to boot!

J: My brain aneurysm... they don't have any record of what they put into my head. Can't have an MRI.
A: Then there was that time I broke both my feet.
J: Once I accidentally put eight holes in my stomach with a shotgun.
S: ...

Posted by Sarah at 4:18 PM | Permalink

Standing outside the county library, unlocking my bike. Another patron, owner of the only other bike on the rack, comes out and starts putting his helmet on.

Bike Man: Hey, uh, I was wondering, I have a question for you.
Me: Ya?

Bike Man: Do you own a tape player?
Me: Not anymore.

Bike Man: Oh. OK. I've got this tape I'm looking to sell, see...
Me: Oh?

Bike Man: Phil Collins. Genesis. You know him? He's real good.
Me: (speechless) Uh, yeah...

Bike Man: I'm looking to get a CD player. But what I really need is one of those boom boxes.
Me: And then you could play tapes AND CDs!
Bike Man: Yeah!!!

Posted by Sarah at 2:41 PM | Permalink

There's a foreclosed property auction going on today in the county. My desk is in the tax office, so I hear about these things. People have been coming in this afternoon to put down payments.

Cash Man: (looking at other guy) You must be from the new school.
Other Guy: Huh?
Cash Man: (points to the pile of cash he's placed on the counter) I'm from the old school myself.
Other Guy: (sheepish) Oh, yeah, my wife won't let me carry that much cash around!
Cash Man: (riffling bills) Mine wouldn't either, but she's dead!
Other Guy: Heh... heh.
Cash Man: (adjusts cowboy hat, goes on to riff about how his kids want him dead so's they can take his money to pay off their cars and RVs)

Posted by Sarah at 1:16 PM | Permalink

Front page news in the county:

Ontario police are searching for a toothless, middle-aged man who they say robbed the Ontario branch of the Washington Mutual Bank across the street from the police station Wednesday around 1:46 p.m.

Not sure if it's worse that he chose to rob the bank across from the police station or that they didn't then catch him right away.

Posted by Sarah at 9:59 AM | Permalink

You'd think that's an Onion headline right there, but it's not.

Posted by Sarah at 1:09 PM | Permalink

So if you receive an email through Gmail that contains, say, a Russian mailing address, Gmail will think you speak Russian and make the text ads in Cyrillic script.

Posted by Sarah at 6:07 PM | Permalink

Conversation of the day:

A: I lost my car for a week in San Francisco once.
J: Don't you just hate it when you lose your car?

A: God, yes. Don't forget, I lived across the Bay so I had to take the bus over every day to look for it, just wandering around for hours.
J: And it's so embarrassing to ask people if they've seen it.

A: Then you find it, and you think, now how did it get there?
J: And who's that sleeping in the back?

Posted by Sarah at 2:00 PM | Permalink

Opening sentence read on a message board this morning:

"I heard over on the Hanson forums..."

First response: LOL. Second response: WHOA. You mean they still exist? And have FORUMS? Google says it's true. Wow. I was never a Hanson fan but I do remember arguing heatedly with my brother over their ambiguous gender appearances the first time we saw the Mmmbop video on TV...

Speaking of old school, CHECK THIS OUT:

I have a Jordan 45 jersey. Also, I discovered last night that my one friend in this town, L., ALSO loves Reggie Miller. I mean, what are the odds? He and I are going to have some basketball nights for sure.

L. sent me this on email and it took me RIGHT BACK to age 12, 1995 NBA Playoffs, sitting in front of the TV and shouting maniacally like only a skinny, frizzy 12-year old with sky blue coke-bottle glasses and a size large basketball jersey on could do. Epic, y'all. Epic.

Posted by Sarah at 10:41 AM | Permalink

- Somebody photographed THE GREEN FLASH! (it looks better in real life, though) [via edrants]

- Rivers Cuomo's musical favorites of 2006 (hilarious if you think about this for a second). [via morethan7]

14. The Fray—“Over My Head.” I finally realized why this song sounded so right to me the first time I heard it on the radio: My drummer reminded me that Weezer toured with The Fray in 2004 and I so must have heard this song every night through the walls of my dressing room.

15. Tim McGraw—“Live Like You Were Dying” and “My Little Girl.” Country music sounds good to me now that I’m a family man.

- And, from this neck o' the woods, the Top 7 Reasons People Leave Their Christmas Lights Up (#5 makes this list worthwhile) [via Boise Weekly]:

1. To deter burglars. 2. To avoid the grueling, meticulous process of putting them up each year. 3. Some folks are just full of the Christmas spirit all year. 4. They're pretty. Plus, the house feels oh so beautiful with such lovely accoutrements. 5. They're frozen to the house. 6. Makes it easier to give directions to "the only house on the street decked out with lights." 7. They're lazy.

Posted by Sarah at 3:27 PM | Permalink

Seriously, just hit play.

(via Wichita!)

Posted by Sarah at 8:31 PM | Permalink

I think that MoJo titled this one appropriately -

And the Kafka Nonfiction Award Goes to. . .

Kropiewnicki, 61, was "a wordless, sweet-tempered Polish man known locally as "the Walker." Every morning for seven years, he set out on foot looking for work as a day laborer. But not until last fall did anyone call an interpreter to the site to speak to him in Polish, said Courtney Denniston, 27, a case manager supervisor.

"The first words out of his mouth were: 'Home. I just want to go home,' " Denniston said. He had come to the U.S. illegally to work as an asbestos handler, but when he lost the job, he had no money to fly home. He had a wife and children in Warsaw.

Posted by Sarah at 3:01 PM | Permalink

Here's your funny for the day. K-towners, this one's for you.

Posted by Sarah at 6:25 PM | Permalink

Got two for you today:

1) So I was standing in the grocery store looking at the milk. I hear a noise that sounds remarkably like a cow's moo. There it is again - that is DEFINITELY a moo. They are running a tape of cow moos in the milk aisle.

2) Today I learned from Alvin that there is a town called George in the state of Washington, and that it used to have a motel called the Martha Inn. I also learned that Alvin is related to Aaron Burr.

Posted by Sarah at 8:57 AM | Permalink

From Garrison Keillor's holiday newsletter, which starts out hilarious and then deftly shifts into a lovely end:

Our child enjoys her new school and is making friends. She was a horsie in the church Christmas pageant and hunkered down beside the manger and seemed to be singing when she was supposed to. We go on working and hope to be adequate to the challenges of the coming year but are by no means confident. It's winter. God is around here somewhere but does not appear to be guiding our government at the moment. Nonetheless we persist. We see kindness all around us and bravery and we are cheered by the good humor of young people. The crabapple tree over the driveway is bare, but we have a memory of pink blossoms and expect them to return. God bless you all.

(via Ellen, who reads good websites more regularly than I do)

Posted by Sarah at 2:04 PM | Permalink

Oh man. I don't even know what to say about this one, except that it is real and not a joke. It's about reaching "unchurched" teenagers. I'd run if I saw her coming too.

Found while googling for icebreakers for a meeting I'm running today.

Posted by Sarah at 10:38 AM | Permalink

Uh, catching up on the important news before bed. Certain individuals will appreciate the following:

BRO: You know, last time I saw you with Nickel Creek, you were sporting a spectacular wealth of facial hair, a beard as it were, and I believe his name was Clyde. Is there any chance that he’ll make an appearance on this tour?

THILE: Clyde Artimus Beard (laughs). I don’t think so. You know, Clyde is in hiding. He has been persecuted, unjustly I feel, by certain members of my social circle. So he’ll sheepishly lay dormant.

[Back from Hager Mtn. Snowshoeing was excellent, as was the 360 degree view from the cabin. Pictures and stories tomorrow.]

Posted by Sarah at 10:31 PM | Permalink

Oh man do you remember this? I DO.

I love how rediscovering something like this Sesame Street clip unearths memories I didn't even know I had - the ditty is completely unfamiliar to me, but the image of the pinball boinking around and spiraling down those ramps - I remember that! I could've seen it yesterday, I remember it so clearly. But I didn't see it yesterday . I saw it when I was 3. That memory is still there, now that I've been reminded of it. So cool.

Posted by Sarah at 7:29 PM | Permalink

The kinds of entry warnings that Wikipedia needs:

Found via Ellen.

Posted by Sarah at 9:47 AM | Permalink

This is mostly for T:

From this collection of crazy photos.

Posted by Sarah at 8:31 PM | Permalink

I got this from Rob, who has an almost uncanny ability to find odd things on the internet. This essay is a trip. I'm not sure if it is real or a joke, but I'm inclined to believe that it's real - or a joke based on a real paper. I've read a lot of student papers.

Dr. Dre got most of his information from the Greek story of Oedipus. Son Oedipus's smarts saved the town of Thebes, and he was made king. Infact the only reason Dr. Dre produced, "The Chronic" because the Bible tells you to smoke lots of pot, and Oedipus used to blaze with the makers of Aqua Fresh toothpaste.

(read - and see - the whole thing here.)

P.S. Technorati says this is old news, but whatevs. It also gave me some other funny links of dubious origins, most notably these chemistry answers:

Explain why an atmosphere of argon is required in the second stage.

Answer: I'd say it was probably those damn aliens again. Them and their illegal moon rock trade. Always trying to kidnap all the argon.

Posted by Sarah at 10:52 AM | Permalink

<3 <3 <3 <3

Click for more. Evening LOLz for sure.

Posted by Sarah at 12:18 AM | Permalink